Almost Hit by a Truck [Plus Some Thoughts on Justice and How the Little Things Matter]

It happened so suddenly.

My spouse, Kae, and I had just enjoyed a meaningful silly, much-need date night. We walked down the street to Taco Borracho where I had an amazing Puerto Rican steak sandwich. Kae enjoyed vegan tacos which, by the way, were surprisingly good, muy sabroso.

On the way there, we talked about how aggressive drivers have seemed to become in the past few years. Perhaps it’s coupled with larger shifts in American and global cultures, maybe pent-up feelings that folks take out on their vehicles. On the ground level, it just seems as if there’s more rage in the air than 8 or 10 years ago.

I joked that not only do we need to be defensive drivers, but defensive walkers as well [this is called foreshadowing].

On the way home, I was feeling even more defensive as the sun had mostly set. As we walked north toward our home, we had to cross the exit ramp from I-196. Vehicles were waiting to turn right on our street, College Avenue, to head south. Bye bye red hand and hello little glowing guy walking. I never trust those signs.

We looked at each individual driver as we gingerly crossed the road, hoping for eye contact. There were three or four vehicles idling, waiting for a break in traffic.

I was almost across when I heard the pickup’s engine roar.

Because I’m a polite Midwesterner, “WHOA WHOA WHOA” were the only words I could form. I felt the Silverado’s headlight on my left palm, and pushed against it while simultaneously jumping forward and out of the truck’s path. I had been clipped, as they say. The driver must have heard me yell, and stopped after only making it a few feet.

the road where it happened

By that time, everyone in the intersection is staring at us. He was staring at me staring back at him in equally potent though different shades of shock. He avoided manslaughter, I survived another day. Who was more relieved may be an applicable question.

I had the traffic sign, and I was being vigilant. And I still got clipped. Had he punched the gas two seconds earlier, he would have driven directly into me. And wouldn’t that be awkward to have an unexpected passenger!

Perhaps he checked more thoroughly for the next few days minutes.

As my adrenaline slowly receded, I shared [vigorously] with Kae about the injustice of it all. It’s unjust to be constantly on one’s guard when simply walking. And this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve had other experiences of being ignored, threatened, and injured by vehicles. Drivers in Grand Rapids routinely hit 40, 50, even 60 miles per hour in 25-30 mph zones. Some corridors are worse than others: Fuller north of Fulton, Michigan, Burton, certain stretches of College on the north side.

Kae heard me out. But they shared a perspective: consider the injustice everywhere! At the moment, the deadly October, 2023 Hamas attacks in Gaza have been answered with an even-more-deadly war. Children are without their parents. Families are being destroyed. Lives are being upended.

Outright violence rages in 110 distinct locales around the world, from Syria to Sudan, from Ukraine to Cameroon, according to the Geneva Academy.

There is also violence enacted toward the natural world. Creation seems to groan under the weight of it all. We read it in the news. I can smell it in the air: diesel fumes, factory exhaust, wildfire smoke.

Dr. King said injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. Indeed, the smoke that affected much of the United States was from Canada, our neighbors to the north. We share one large global ocean. Air is universal. People are interdependent. We pass along justice – or injustice.

There’s an old revival song that goes like this:

***

It only takes a spark to get a fire going, and soon all those around can warm up in its glowing

That’s how it is with God’s Love: once you’ve experienced it

Your spread the love to everyone; you want to pass it on

***

As a practicing Christian, the song rings true. Unfortunately, the passing-on phenomenon happens conversely: once you’ve experienced trauma, it can be hard not to pass it on. Once you’ve experienced violence toward your mind, body, or identity, it can be hard not to pass on violence to others. Love and hate alike are passed on. Only when trauma and pain is processed and metabolized can it be kept from endangering others.

Injustice, too, is passed on. During the 1930s, Hitler’s regime took ample notes on American racism. In particular, the Nazis found Jim Crow laws to be particularly inspiring. Read more on that here or here.

When a gardener plants seeds, they grow. This, the unstoppable way of all creation. As a tree grows in one place, so grows a thorn elsewhere. As a loving exchange transpires in some relationship, so does a traumatic, rageful belittling in another.

The biblical author and apostle, Paul, writes this in his letter to the Galatians:

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.

Jesus, speaking earlier, said it this way:

…give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap, for the measure you give will be the measure you get back.” Luke 6:38

This morning I read in the NYT The Morning, which I have read almost-daily since the pandemic days, about the alignment of global powers: Iran, China, Russia, North Korea, and the various groups these countries support [for example, Iran’s support of Houthis, Hamas, and Hezbollah, or China’s support of Russia]. On the other side, it’s the United States, Japan, South Korea, Western Europe, etc.

When countries sow seeds of destruction, we see how Jesus and Paul’s words continue to ring true, but on a much larger scale. Whether it’s small acts of rage and violence or carelessness, the world is duly affected.

And yet, I’m glad the converse is also true:

Every small act of generosity, compassion, and kindness matters. All conversations and words shared in a day matter. Every prayer uttered to God matters. How I treat my fellow humans, how I treat the natural world, it matters. Every little action matters.

I tried to talk to a bongo at the zoo.

It didn’t work but it was worth the time. We seemed to bond.

Whether it’s pausing to notice a pedestrian, thanking your mail carrier or Amazon driver, or sending a little encouraging text, every little action matters. Awareness of this adds complexity and depth to all interactions. Instead of coasting along, carried by the winds of culture and advertising and wherever life has taken us, we can intentionally take control of the small decisions, the little acts that bring about great things.

We can slow down if we choose to drive. We can pause and count to five before we respond in our conversation or hit send on our device. We can slowly learn to see all people, plants, business decisions, and conversational exchanges as sacred.

Because what if, after all, they are sacred?

As I look back, there was something sacred about the interaction on College Avenue when that driver clipped me. For me, I had a new sense of gratefulness for my own life, my family, my friends, my congregation. For him, I’m less sure. Maybe he was just happy not to have flattened me. But maybe, just maybe, it was a moment to slow down and consider that I, just like him, am a fellow human being with needs, aspirations, kids, etc.

It all matters.

good religion

Growing up in Christian circles, I often heard the phrase, “it’s not a religion, it’s a relationship.”

Empty religion was problematic. At our church, we wanted to embody a vibrant, meaningful faith that impacted Monday through Saturday. For us, the spiritual journey involved all of life. It wasn’t merely a Sunday experience.

The emphasis on relationship was perhaps helpful in some ways. As a Christian, I am in relationship to God through Jesus and the Spirit, and thereby also bonded to fellow human beings who are also children of God [even if sometimes we don’t yet know it!].

If someone were to refer to me then as a religious person, something inside me would react. I had an allergy to being an adherent to a religious tradition or a religious person.

These days I claim the title, whatever that comes with, and I don’t mind.

Continue reading “good religion”

Love: Participation in the Life of God

During my college years I attended a lecture. The simple idea that reminded with me was to always celebrate all that is good.

Why do my tiger lilies smell so unfathomably delicious? How is it that a hug from my spouse lifts my spirits – even if nothing [the financial decision, the difficult news, etc] is objectively fixed or solved? Why does a staring contest with my child always make me laugh? How can a simple ride on my bike feel transformational, like a winding journey with God? How can roasted fingerling potatoes from Bar Sótano literally change the course of an evening with Kae in Chicago? Why does it feel like I’m more deeply connected with God when I have a meaningful interaction with a friend or neighbor?

I’m happy not to have answers to these questions. But I’m delighted to live in these moments and slurp up every drop of joy they offer.

In one sense love and everyday beauty are counterpoints to pain, loss, and suffering. Wise older people have told me to count my blessings, and they’re absolutely right. It makes a difference.

And yet, I want to go further and suggest that love [and perhaps the celebration of all that is good] is not only resistance to the normal suffering and difficulty of human life; beyond that, love is participation in the life of God.

1 John 4:7-21 is love’s canonical zenith. No other passage offers as rich an explication of the meaning of intertwining divine and human love, except maybe 1 Corinthians 13. But 1 John 4 links love to God and other human beings like no other text anywhere, in the biblical canon or beyond.

Verses 11-12 read as following in the NRSV:

Beloved, since God loved us so much, also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us.

So you’ve never seen God? Me either. But have you seen another person? That person bears the image of God. Express love to them links you to God. Practicing good religion, for Christians, means simply loving all people. Jesus tells us to love even our enemies [but that’s a long story worth another blog post!]. Don’t believe in God at all? Perhaps you’re doing the same thing when you care for a stranger. God loves you, even if religion has been used maliciously against you.

According to John, when we love one another, God lives in us. Imagine that – God alive in you. Not only that, but God’s love is perfected in us.

This is our participation in the very life of God.

Snap back to reality, as somewhere in the void a voice says, “hey there Ben, you don’t know what I’ve been through. I don’t think God would ever let [x] happen to me. Maybe God is love but it sure doesn’t feel like it.”

Just like I can’t answer why love is such a profound experience, like being united with God, I can’t say why such difficulty exists. With many throughout history, I lament* the reality of pain, loss, suffering. Theologians talk about suffering it a lot, with some helpful answers, but from most measures, it’s the most difficult theological problem for Christians. Nihilists conclude that nothing matters anyway, but Christians insist somehow God is good despite the suffering allowed.

Hope triumphs in the long view: God has a beautiful future for all people in the New Creation where all will be restored.

Until then, the best path forward is leaning into love: loving my neighbor; choosing to care; celebrating goodness and beauty.

I lost a mentor a few years ago to cancer. It was far too early. There was suffering. Fred died within a few short years of the diagnosis, despite some excellent medical interventions. I don’t think he reached 70 years old. But the whole time, he insisted God had given him “bonus time” to finish some projects he hoped to complete before his death: full-ride college scholarships for his many grandchildren, an endowment for church planting, care and support for his spouse, lots of final conversations with people he loved.

Fred and all those around him lamented the suffering which led to his death. Even still, he himself found beauty amidst the pain. He chose love.

In death, he continues to offer life to me and to many.

A few days ago my daughter fell and sliced her lip deeply on a bench. She lost a lot of blood before making it to the emergency room, all thanks to my mother-in-law, Stacy, and brother-in-law, Luke. Why did she fall? It was no one’s fault. It just happened, like accidents do. I lament the pain she experienced.

And yet, I rejoice to see healing taking place, and I thank God for the surgical team at Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital. What choice is there anyway?

Yesterday, like every Tuesday, I cared for Junia all day [working only 4 days a week has its perks!]. In the morning she wanted to listen to music and dance, so I turned on the Bluetooth speaker and we found some tunes on YouTube. “Pick me up! Twirl me!” she insisted. How does a father say no to a three year old’s request to dance?

I picked her up, and we twirled to the beat. At first I held her arms and she swung wide. But she wanted to be closer, so I held her tight and twirled. She stared up at me with her lovely blue eyes, then curled in tighter as we spun.

She closed her eyes and leaned on my chest, safe and loved.

Tears of joy spilled as I realized the utter sacredness of that moment with Junia. I won’t likely forget that moment; it will always be a part of who I am as a father. I cannot un-live the joy of the experience, the twirling, the weight of Junia’s head on my ribcage.

I, as an imperfect parent, love Junia a whole lot. Bucketsfull. To the moon and back, as I tell her.

After all this I’m now left with more unanswered questions:

How much more does my perfect, infinite creator God love me?

How can I then share that love – the love of God dwelling within?

What can God’s love perfected in us mean?

Perhaps each moment, each conversation, each dance with kids, each card that I write, each offense I forgive, will help me understand.

***

*The Hebrew Scriptures feature a Psalter full of laments. Sometimes they feature individual lament, other times it’s the lament of a whole community. Lament – even rage – is only ever totally safe in God’s ears.

I am writing about love and beauty in this post, but I want to be clear that there are hosts of reasons to feel and express anger toward God. There is no safer place to lament pain and suffering than with God, through Jesus, in the power of the Spirit,

To End All Wars

A few nights ago I had a profound dream. Today I’m haunted by its message.

Terror coursed through my veins as the dream sequence began. Hostile enemies had invaded my city, and I was busy gathering friends and family into a group to defend – or depart – depending on the outcome of the initial conflict.

I shouted from the Abrams tank I was driving: get out of your house! bring only what you need! we are under attack! People came out of their homes with whatever they could carry. Someone was passing out grenades, rifles, submachine guns, armored vests. Though I hate to admit it, there was a rush of adrenaline. Whatever was to come for us, terrifying as it might be, was also somehow exciting. After all, we had guns and tanks.

Eventually that sequence of events led us to direct, face-to-face conflict with our enemies. They looked different than us – perhaps they were Arab? – I couldn’t tell. I also noticed their faces held the same terror written on ours.

I shot my rifle into their midst, over and over, hoping desperately to get them to stop.

But the fighting ground on and on. Grenades flew in, exploding around us. I remember trying to lob one back at the enemy. The saying goes, war is hell.

This was hell indeed.

Continue reading “To End All Wars”

An Early Taste of Christian Nationalism

After my sophomore year of college, I lived at home with my parents at their lovely 3 acre homestead in Big Rapids, Michigan. Big Rapids, or BR as we came to know it, is a university town in West Central Michigan, an energetic little corner of the world surrounded by thousands of acres of rolling farmland and deep woods. The city itself sits on the Muskegon River, the second longest river in Michigan and arguably the most beautiful, though the Pere Marquette and Au Sable rivers are also lovely.

During that college summer back in Big Rapids, I worked as a youth ministry intern at the church I had grown up in, a larger evangelical church filled with people who changed the course of my life.

Indeed, my early years in church shaped me dramatically. I’ve even written letters to many of the people who left an indelible mark on me, had conversations with those who formed my sense of identity and my spirituality.

In church I learned about Jesus of Nazareth, an ancient Jewish man who made his way into human history as a person, yet also as the Son of God. Not everything, but almost everything I experienced in church was positive for me: from the friends I got to know to the places I traveled for service projects to my participation in various levels of leadership, even as a young person.

I also got to know people deeply. I asked a lot of questions. One summer evening after a youth event we had planned [was it tubing on the river?] I remember chatting with a couple, we’ll call them Harding and Justine. As we sat outside by a campfire in the breezy yet comfortably humid air, we watched the mighty Muskegon river flow by. As we chatted, 4th of July plans came up, and I recall asking Justine a theological question:

Justine, I said, if it came down to a choice between following Jesus and submitting to an American ideal that compromised your faith commitments, what would you choose?

My question was hypothetical, of course, but it arose in the natural flow of conversation. Whatever it was that prompted me to ask, it came from that conversational context, not from thin air. Justine was a spiritual mentor of sorts, and had taught me a lot about what discipleship means, and I sought her wisdom.

Her answer has taught me a lot about the culture of Christian Nationalism. Staring into the fire, then back at me, she responded swiftly:

Ben, she said with conviction and energy, to me, following Jesus and being an American are one in the same. We are a Christian nation, so I don’t ever have to choose between one or the other, and I don’t think I ever will.

I left it at that. I probably grunted something along the lines of huh. Internally I was a bit stunned. How could it be that your faith would never come into conflict – or at least come to bear – on your citizenship in a nation state?

Ironically, there were many in my church fighting the so-called culture war, talking about everything from dismantling Roe v. Wade to electing George Bush, and everything in-between from gay marriage to post-9/11 wars in the Middle East. There was a clear sense of political identity in my church, and few democrats could be found. And the ones who stuck it out were pretty quiet.

So from that angle, there was the irony of a “Christian nation” holding up the value of abortion rights. But a nation’s morality isn’t exclusive to a 1973 Supreme Court decision. It’s far deeper than that. How about chattel slavery that ended just over 150 years ago? Jim Crow? Lynchings? Displacement and genocide of indigenous people? Structural racism, redlining in our cities, sundown towns that didn’t allow black folks after dusk? These actions are not compatible with a Christian nation narrative.

But Justine genuinely believed America is a shining city on a hill that offers a fine example to the watching world. Overlooking the egregious national sins, America was – overall, I guess? – good. That was the narrative.

An example of the conflation of American power and Christian symbols: Christian Nationalism. Note the red/white/blue cross underneath the flag. The Dixon for Governor political sign covers it, but it reads hate at the foot of the crosses. This house is about 8 blocks from where I live in southeast Grand Rapids, Michigan. There are other examples around town of similar lawn displays. One, near Burton and Breton, features an American soldier kneeling at the foot of the cross.

A quick google search of Christian Nationalism will yield far more imagery than my neighborhood snapshot, so if you’ve got the stomach for it, go check it out.

***

We could, perhaps, have a conversation about the many good things America and Americans have done. That could perhaps be helpful, but not necessary here. America has produced a whole lot of incredible people; that goes without saying. A list of faces, black, white, and brown, is scrolling through my mind’s eye – and likely yours too. It’s not my aim to paint America as all bad, only to suggest that if we do think of ourselves as a Christian nation, we have a lot of sin to repent from. This is why any Christian should rethink the concept.

To broadly characterize America as a Christian nation is an astronomical leap [think back to slavery, genocide, racism, unjust wars, etc]. I’ll leave it to the academics to do that demographic classification, but on the anecdotal level, it strikes me that there’s a generational gap between those who grew up primarily in the 20th century and those who came into the scene later – perhaps starting with the postwar years and continuing into the present.

Justine was part of that older generation. That generation had celebrated as America did its difficult work in Europe supporting the Allies and helping defeat Hitler. They had seen suburbs spring up and schools flourish as the American economy roared into full gear in the 1950s. They had seen church participation soar, and communities flourish. Or, at least, they saw some communities flourish. After WWII, it wasn’t really until the 1960s that Americans began to struggle on a broad level with our national sins. The Civil Rights movement, coupled with Vietnam’s trauma and a host of other factors, forced Americans to grapple with our morality.

Of course Justine and her generation saw all the abundance from a position of privilege: they were white. If one does their homework on race in this country, it’s easy to see how the majority of black and indigenous folks as well as other minority groups simply missed out on much of this, even to this day. [Do some further reading on your own if you disagree, and perhaps we can talk about it.] I will leave that sociological work to the academics, but I’ve learned enough to see that as someone racialized as white, I’ve had some serious advantages.

On race, I’ll add this: I don’t love being classified as white any more than the next white person. Feels like I lose my other identities and get swallowed up in a big boring cloud of other people I don’t relate to. But it’s real. It was a trade our European ancestors made to differentiate between slave and free: all persons from most of Europe with a lighter complexion came to be known as white, even my darker Eastern European ancestors on my dad’s side who immigrated three generations back. That was codified into law [more on that here]. And for the most part, those Europeans surrendered their former cultural identity for a newfound racialized identity as white and American. And white was, in the American system, racially superior. [Hence that little term white supremacy].

In my own spiritual vantage point, all people – black, white, brown – are made in God’s image. This should go without saying for every Christian in every place. For American Christians, we experience uniquely American problems – our own national sins and tilted systems. Racism in all its ugly forms – structural, systemic, managerial, personal – haunts us here in America, and its insidious effects gave Justine and me and white folks in general a whole lot of privilege.

Lots of white folks see the ugliness of racism, and understand it to some degree on a cognitive level. We recognize that we cannot experience the kind of racism our black and indigenous friends, and of course many Asian Americans and other people of color have felt. But we can read, listen, learn, grow, and advocate. And at the least, we can recognize people of color often have a very different experience in America. White Christians in particular, if we want to follow our Jesus who sought to free the prisoners and set the oppressed free, should perhaps consider what that looks like today [Luke 4:18-19; Isaiah 61:1-2, 58:6].

Back to the summer evening conversation with Justine by the river.

As surprised as I was to hear the sentiment that American ideals and Christian ideals always meshed together for Justine, something about her response resonated with how many, many people in my area viewed their faith. It was strange, but it made sense in my context. They seemed to see themselves as Christian Americans, not American Christians; the Christian part modified the truer identity: American.

America first is the vantage point, and faith fits in fine with that message: Let’s make America great again! Vote with your feet! Love it or leave it! We stand for the flag; we kneel for the cross!

Of course this may be gross caricature of what conservative voices stand for overall, but there is certainly some truth in these brief political statements. I do know some incredibly thoughtful conservatives, and I value our many conversations even if we don’t always see from the same angle. And yet, Trump politics have poisoned the waters ever since 2016, so sadly polarization has increased dramatically.

And Christian Nationalism persists, now bolstered with Trump’s embrace of his religious supporters. People are writing more books on it, including a woman at my church. Kristen’s book, Jesus and John Wayne, is an outstanding historical sketch of how we have ended up with Jesus is my Savior Trump is my President t-shirts.

There’s a difference between having a deep appreciation for one’s place of birth and aligning it wholesale with one’s faith identity. There’s being grateful on the one hand, and idolatry on the other hand. Justine seems to have a real appreciation for her experience in America, and there are some aspects of that which strike me as good: she’s grateful and feels part of a larger community that she sees as doing good [now, as I’ve mentioned, there are a host of problems with that].

Wherever it is we come from, we are not called to hate our country. But Christians are called to a kingdom not of this world – an allegiance to Christ and his kingdom.

Getting deeper into theology, the Jewish Scriptures, which we Christians also see as foundational to our religious identity, contain a list of ten commandments. After a reminder that God is the One who brought the Israelites out of Egyptian slavery, the first command reads like this: you shall have no other gods before me [Exodus 20:3, NRSV].

The second is similar: You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above or that is on the earth beneath or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them [Exodus 20:4-5a].

First God gave Moses a short, simple command. But the second command enriches and makes the first a bit more explicit, explicating the dire importance of centering YHWH, the God of Israel, as their exclusive deity.

Biblically speaking – a way of speaking most Evangelicals appreciate – we are to worship God alone. You can’t split your worship two ways, to God and country, just like you can’t serve both God and money [Matthew 6:24]. But in our religious circles ancient and modern, idols spring up that distract us from God. On a personal level, I deal with the same challenge. I get distracted. So I’m not criticizing as a hypocrite; I admit I have my foibles and a host of inconsistencies. But as one who has experienced the embodied practices of Christian Nationalism, I’ve seen it for what it is. I’ve written on gun culture too, a close parallel to Christian Nationalism with roots in the same soil.

Perhaps future believers will call me/us out for my/our own idols, or for ways in which in which I/we have clearly strayed from the teachings of Jesus. Right now, I am calling things as I see them. And there’s a whole lot of devotion to country that gets in the way of devotion to Jesus.

I write not to simply critique nor to write a history. That has already been done. I write in hopes that slowly [or quickly?] Evangelicals might detangle nationalism from an otherwise beautiful Jesus-centered spirituality.

With God, all things are possible, according to Jesus. So I’m hopeful. I know so many Christians who are noticing the nationalism problem and properly categorizing it as an idol – or perhaps we could call it syncretism. So may the books and conversations help reveal the goodness of our Christ; and may we recognize nationalism as a departure from genuine, radical faith that puts Jesus at the center – not Jesus and anything or anyone else.

I’ll close with the words of Jesus*. The same Jesus, by the way, who I first got to know through some folks who really, really loved America, but who also helped me follow him, who helped me listen to the Holy Spirit and turn my life fully over to God. My own story is, like any other Christian’s story, a testament to God and the work of the Spirit Christ unleashed in the world. Despite some idols, Jesus showed up and changed my life, and he keeps doing it all the time.

Now, those piercing words:

Jesus said to them, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” And they marveled at him. Mark 12:17

*For the closing words from Jesus, I chose the ESV translation, a current favorite among American Evangelical Christians.

a walk to lake michigan

As Michiganders seem to do, I went camping a few weekends back at a beautiful spot on Lake Michigan. The spot was between Ludington and Manistee. Kaile and I had decided to bring all three of our kids, so there we were, energetic and lively and ready to be outside. The future basketball team that is my offspring and life parter have a way of occupying a lot of .

It was my turn to care for Junia the first morning, so I went to sleep with a small amount of dread: when would she awake? She had been in the habit of waking up as early as 5:30am, so I was concerned.

Then morning came.

The time came even swifter than I had feared, and she was up and exceedingly ready to begin her our day by 4:50am. Nothing worked to get her back to sleep, so amidst my grogginess I made a snap decision: we would go the big lake.

I wasn’t, however, prepared in the least for what I experienced.

Carrying my delightful youngest child, we had the entire beach to ourselves for a couple hours, and it was an unexpected homecoming. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that lake has meant a lot to me over my lifetime. Years ago, it was Ludington I would always go with family and friends for beach time. Sometimes we’d go out by Muskegon where my grandparents lived. More recently we have done visits to Charlevoix, Petosky, Frankfort, wine tastings on the Leelenau Peninsula, spent long afternoons in conversation by the water. I have the geography of the lakeside cities nearly memorized.

But why were my eyes filled with tears, tears weighted with joy, renewal, hope?

Nothing new was happening per se; a reentrance into an old kind of familiar is what I experienced. That big lake, the one I first mistook three decades ago to be an ocean, greeted me once again: first with morning sun, next with a humid breeze off the water, and later with the majestic sight of a bald eagle surveying the landscape, wings spread wide on a warm swell of air.

But there was something new. This time, I was witness to Junia witnessing all the splendor of the created order.

Those molecules of water, a few of which once nourished Jesus himself, now swirled before us, pounding the sands of the lakeshore. Those grains of sand, which Abraham couldn’t count either here or in his ancient world, gave way slightly under our bare feet. That humid wind, felt especially on the day of Pentecost, cooled and refreshed us.

But may chief delight was Junia’s tiny eyes, her exquisite expressions as she took it all in, beaming with delight at each insect and plant before her. Like Mary and Joseph, I am in awe of not only the delicacy and power of creation, but even more so of the offspring I can hardly believe to be in my care for these fleeting years – and that I had some part in creating.

And so, my awe at all of this leads me to wonder. My wonder has led me to curiosity. My curiosity, as I observe so many signposts of divine presence, directs me toward faith. My faith points me to gratefulness.

And more often than in years past, my gratefulness has led me to a host of good things, awakening me to the large God-created world, alerting me to the endless opportunities to give to others, enlivening me to live as if the New Creation is already fully here, revealing to me how light is overcoming the darkness that persists.

So may your light come, Lord Jesus: even in me, even in my family, even in my church, even in my city, even in my country, even in my little planet in my little corner of the galaxy. May your light come.

***

on the eve of your baptism, dear daughter

Junia, my dear daughter, today is the eve of your baptism.

I am taking a moment to write to you and express a few thoughts before that big day, for your sake in the sense that you may someday find this old post and find some meaning in it, and for my sake as well as I process the profound experience I see tomorrow to be. I hope it’s okay with you that I’ve shared this broadly. I asked you about it recently and you didn’t seem to mind too much, and seemed more interested in your magnetic drawing pad at the time.

Your baptism, Junia, will be a beautiful experience. Whether or not it’s something that a person believes in to any degree, the aesthetics are superb: you, Junia, ushered into a particular community of faith, and we your family and church believing God will one day draw you into deep relationship, directing you to live out a fulfilling life with Jesus at the center, love as the functioning principle, all in an economy of grace that is freely given [though it was rather costly on the part of Jesus, who paid a whole lot to distribute that grace].

Perhaps you’ll cry during the baptism. Or maybe you will coo, mildly, at Pastor Karen as she marks you with ordinary water imbued with sacramental meaning as those of us looking on respond with some oos and aahs of our own. Hard to say how it will go, but this talk of water and faith makes think about my own baptism 20 years ago.

Continue reading “on the eve of your baptism, dear daughter”

Quiet Pain & the Hope Ahead

We live in a culture that prizes success and achievement. We are dazzled with powerful athletes who swim, run, climb, or otherwise amaze the watching world. We scroll through social media feeds and like the posts that are positive and inspiring. Maybe we experience pangs of jealousy when it’s a picture of precisely what we ourselves are apparently lacking.

Meanwhile, our quotidian lives unfold: work, class, maybe kids, whatever we have going on. And there is quiet pain, hidden sadness that does not fit the mold social media offers. In the lives of all human beings – and I do not believe this is universalizing – yes, in all our lives, there is pain, loss, hurt, or even the subtle, caustic overwhelm that comes COVID isolation. There’s regret and all the dark wondering that often accompanies it [did I marry the right person? what if I got that job?].

We look to articles and the experience of others for help and advice, and answers flood in faster than we can absorb the breadth of their perspectives. Sometimes it’s to our edification. But often we are left feeling no better than before. Advice and answers seldom do much good for our souls when what we really desire is to be heard, seen, cared for, loved. Sure we want answers and direction for the path forward, but not from a place of abstraction. Rather, we want someone who gets us.

Quiet pain, the kind that doesn’t fit on social media, exists in my life. Today, my son wanted a snack, so I asked him if he wanted Dino gummies or cinnamon buns. He opted for Dino gummies, but as he gobbled up his last gummy he demanded cinnamon rolls too. The answer was a gentle no, repeated a number of times. This spiraled him into a tantrum that took – and yes, I watched the clock – 10 minutes [the record is 50 minutes by the way]. I did the right parenting thing to offer an option, and yeah, I gave him a nice snack that he got to choose. But he’s small, he’s young, he’s learning. I don’t want him to go through the yelling and crying; my heart aches with him. It’s also frustrating, though, since his 10 month old sister is asleep upstairs. It’s quiet, hidden pain that isn’t making any headlines.

Continue reading “Quiet Pain & the Hope Ahead”

an open letter to a beloved church

A little over three years ago we were marooned.

Having moved across the country for a meaningful job [ben] and graduate school [kaile], I was suddenly let go from my job. And it wasn’t just me, it was five of us staffers at City Church in SF. Big changes in the church budget that year meant big changes for us.

Several exhausting interviews later, I was on the phone with two incredible, gifted leaders: first Suzanne Magno, then Susan Van Riesen. Instead of battling me on the complicated theological issues of our day, they listened and asked a few honest, relevant questions to assess the journey I/we were on, and how following Jesus was going.

Early on, I had the sense that God might well be leading us into a new community. Palo Alto Vineyard Church was ostensibly a strong, united, convicted, God-honoring, Christ-centered, Spirit-led community of faith.

The past three plus years have proven that to indeed be the case.

Today I am taking some much-needed time to reflect on exactly how I/we have been shaped during these delightful, tiring, exhilarating, nerve-wracking several years of growth and formation in the way of Jesus. First I will share a few aspects of our church that have shaped me the past few years. Then I will share some parting comments, observations – even some exhortations – to a few select groups within our community with whom I have been in close touch.

So first, some observation on how I have seen how God has uniquely called our church.

Palo Alto Vineyard Church, in my experience, has been:

1. A spiritually optimistic community

By spiritually optimistic, I mean our basic prayer ethic is simple and unapologetic:

boldly ask God what is needed.

A lot of Christians, and I count myself in this group, are a teensy bit hesitant to boldly ask  the Holy Spirit to direct a decision, to heal a wound, to change a heart. Why? There is a fear that we might not get an answer, that we might not see the healing we want to see, that we might not experience the transformation we desire. Continue reading “an open letter to a beloved church”

Destination: Grand Rapids, Michigan

Over the past couple months, I’ve been slowly sharing with friends here in Silicon Valley about the decision Kaile and I have made about moving back to Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Here is a bit more about that decision-making process.

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the Willard avenue home. Kaile is holding Silas

Taking a look back at our 2016 move to the Bay Area, it was probably the best decision we have ever made. It was so clear we were supposed to be here, a God-directed step. A meaningful job was available for me, a graduate program in therapy for Kaile. On top of that, we put our house [pictured here] on the market during a February, 2016 apartment hunting trip to San Francisco. It sold within 24 hours after a brief bidding war, and we downsized to a 450sq foot apartment in downtown San Francisco.

Once we arrived, it was joyfully challenging. Culture shock was one aspect, sticker shock another. Urban energy, pacific breezes, and incredible views of the city and bay from our 15th story window inspired us. Meaningful interactions with folks at the church I served confirmed how we could make San Francisco home. Bike rides and walks I’d take with Silas and Kaile made me feel like at least a portion of every day was vacation. We made more, spent more, felt like imposters some of the time, and gradually adjusted to our new setting.

The grit and grind of city life felt right. No longer living in the shadow of Detroit or Chicago, we now lived in one of the country’s best-known cities, with all its opportunities and pain, all its beauty and all its brokenness. We were so palpably aware of our newness yet so ready for whatever awaited us. Continue reading “Destination: Grand Rapids, Michigan”