Category: Family

Spiritual Formation Begins [at Home]

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Painted.Ladies

I just sent out a version of this post to families at my church. Check it out there if you’re interested. Otherwise, read on!

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Summer continues, and with it a seemingly indomitable sense of freedom for so many of us, an unstoppable wanderlust. Many of us will find ourselves away from our home communities and in various parts of the nation and world over the summer months. I remember the trips we took as a family with great fondness, the weightless way I felt packing a small bag of goods while my parents worried about whether or not I had enough socks, the feel of cruising far from home in our teal 1996 Astro van.

One trip to the American West comes to mind. I was about 14, I think, when we visited Glacier National Park in Montana. The year was 2001, and we had only recently discovered that Y2K had not ravaged the internet. Not entirely anyway. As we traversed the byways of the Great Plains and made our way to the National Parks, my mom made note of how intricately God created the world. She had a way of letting us know how she was spiritually processing the experience, and that revealed to me how her confidence in God made a difference, even on vacation. She would often read a Psalm in the morning and we would begin our vacation days with a few simple prayers of gratitude, asking God to be present with us.

The way vacations happened in my family made a big spiritual difference for me. Looking back, I realize we were not taking a break from the spiritual journeying that happened at church. Instead, we were continuing the spiritual journey in other more ways. The ways we experienced God were radically influential precisely because I saw the integration of my life with God at church merge with my family life.

This year my family and I will be doing a short staycation here in San Francisco and taking time to see a few different places in the area. We are also doing another little adventure in August and going to Stratford, Ontario, for a week of theatre with Kaile’s parents and brother. As our son grows and vacations commence, we are excited to discover new ways to introduce him to Jesus and to the journey of faith that orients us to the God who created us. Seems vacation time is the perfect time to journey forward with our Maker.

It’s something about the sights, the newness, the readiness that comes during vacation. It’s something about leaving your home in the early morning to catch a train or place.    It’s something about being somewhere completely new and breathtakingly gorgeous.

In all these places, God is there. So.. will I acknowledge Him?

Can I Share My Faith With My Kids?

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Certain conversations have a way of staying inside my head.

One such conversation was about faith and its meaning. We were speaking with Duncan, a Chinese man who was visiting my parents’ home in West Michigan. I was in high school at the time. It was 2003.

Duncan was the father of our exchange student and visited to spend time with us, the hosts, and with his daughter, who we had supported during her time in America.

During his brief stay, we delved into the topic of faith.

Amidst the conversation, Duncan told us that one of his biggest regrets in life was not having imparted faith to his daughters.

That’s the part that stuck with me.

And now, over a decade later, having witnessed the first six months of our son’s life, I have become convinced that imparting faith to one’s children is vital.

Why? Because I have experienced God. I have witnessed God’s work in the lives of others. Jesus Christ is my role model yet also my Savior. He is also a friend. I really do want people to know about this, and our son is one of those people!

Now let’s take a step back.

Various families take various approaches when it comes to parenting. Some families allow their children to sort of “make their own way” and figure things out. Telling themselves they don’t want to restrict their children, they allow them to explore and encourage them to check out all kinds of faith systems, allthewhile making sure they assure their kids that no religion is superior to the other.

That’s one approach. Here’s another.

Some families are terrified that their kids will question their faith. They’re scared that another faith system will become attractive, so they make sure to create barriers against those other faiths. They may emphasize the negative aspects of other faiths and underscore the truths of their own beliefs and the significant leaders in their own theological and spiritual leaders.

Both sets of parents care about their kids and desire for their progeny to flourish. That’s not in question. What’s in question is this: how should a family guide their children spiritually?

This NPR interview tackles this question. I end up thinking much like Kara Powell, author of Sticky Faith, an influential book [and blog] on the process of imparting faith to the young. Listen and check it out if you have time.

Anyway, as a Christian, I think of Jesus as the ultimate. His teachings are true, and his provenance is divine; he’s God’s Son. But how should I communicate this to my children?

Here are several key steps I feel compelled to take ::

  1. Trust God.

When Silas was baptized, it was a mysterious way for God to say, “I’ll take care of Silas.” We took him to the feet of our Savior, and we trust that God will work through his power to bring Silas to an awareness, first, then a simple trust, and then strong confidence in his Creator. And we trust that God will use us in this process.

  1. Model the spirituality that I desire for my child to eventually own.

It starts very close to home–in my soul, actually. My wife and I need to be the kind of people who embody faith in every aspect of life. It’s how we treat strangers. It’s how we talk about people who aren’t in the room–especially people with whom we may not fully agree. It’s our deeds and our words and our inner predisposition.

  1. Connect to a community of faith–in my case, a church–where other people are doing the same thing, and allow them to help with the parenting process.

Asking other Christians to intentionally mentor our son is one way to mitigate the problem of family systems. See, no matter how hard Kaile and I try, we will unwittingly pass on our bad habits to our son. In our tradition, it’s called “sin.” When we humbly admit our own issues and permit other people to speak into our child’s life, there are new opportunities for transformation, and we trust and pray that God will work through our community.

We cannot foist faith on our children; instead, we invite.

us

And the alternative is terrifying. Think about how many systems for understanding the world exist! Peruse a newspaper or Flipboard or Instagram or turn on the tube and you’ll be greeted with a host of organizations seeking to disciple your child and offer their spiritual wisdom:

*Exercise is the key to happiness!

*Money is the goal, for it brings about so much opportunity for relationships!

*The right job will bring you the sense of purpose your heart longs for!

If we are unintentional with our childrens’ faith formation, we leave the task to the next most attractive influencer. Maybe their peers will be the ones who guide them in uncertain paths. Maybe it will be a really nice group of people that get lost in mind-altering substances. Maybe it will be a questionable website. Maybe they’ll stumble into Zoroastrianism. Hard to say, isn’t it?

I think we’ll introduce Silas to Jesus.

Parents and Children: Part 2.

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In my last blog post, I revealed how I spent significant time in rebellion from my parents-about 2 years, actually. Between 2003 and late 2005, I failed to recognize how much my parents loved me and sought the absolute best for me. Eventually, God graciously helped me to eventually see plainly the concern they both have for me.

If you took time to read my previous post, you are now thinking one of two things: 1. “You dummy. Everyone should be thankful for their parents.” or, 2. “You dummy. Do you not realize that other people have strained parent relationships, bad parents, or no parents at all?”

Those are valid points! Many of us have some kind of difficulties with parents at some point in our lives, especially during certain growing-up years. Ages 12-19 may be the toughest. But it is not the case that the problem generally lies with the child. Some of us really do have terrible parents who do not care at all for us, or who are entirely absent from us. If this is your situation, I lament with you. 

I have numerous friends and connections who have strained parental relationships; indeed, some have no parents. One friend comes to mind whose father committed adultery with a family friend. Imagine the difficulties this Christian family has endured. Another friend has a mother with severe depression, and a father who refuses to get her treatment because of his beliefs. Imagine watching all of this while slowly becoming an adult; how utterly painful. Another friend, considerably younger than me, lives with his overworked mother. She has numerous children with various men. This friend has never had a consistent father figure, much less a mother who is around often enough to truly listen. 

It is indeed a broken, splintered world we inhabit. 

For followers of Jesus, there is a long-term hope: Jesus, our brother in humanity [Bible, New Testament, Hebrews 2] and our intercessor in divinity [Bible, New Testament, Colossians 1:15-20], connects us to the family of God. This does not right every wrong at this very moment, but it reveals the coming world of God. In God’s kingdom, divisions between people will cease, even between parents and children. Justice will be established for all-yes, for families too. Paul, an important leader in the early church, draws this God-as-a-parent concept out in Romans 8:12-17. God reveals that we are adopted as children. Eventually we become heirs, with our brother/savior, Jesus, of all the good that God has stored up for those who follow him.

New Life

However you understand the concept of family and the parental relationship, know today that God is your parent. Know too that God never intended families to be divided. Our relationship issues have their source in our own human failures-our sin as it is described in the Bible. The good news is that the wrongs are eventually made right. The last book in the Bible, Revelation, tells us how God, through Jesus, is making all things new [Revelation 21:5].  

It is a new year, and with it can come a fresh turn of events and a change in our inner emotions. Could this be the year we allow God in to begin healing our most painful relationships?

Whatever good or bad came through your relationship with your human parents, we can all look to God as our ultimate parent. If you were fortunate enough to have good parents, be thankful for them. If you did or do not, again, I lament with you. But together, we look forward to the coming day when God makes all things new and good and right-including family relationships. 

Parents and Children: Part 1.

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Ask a toddler what they appreciate about their mommy or daddy, then an 8 year old, then a teenager. You will receive very different answer.

During my middle and late teen years, I had come to the conclusion that my parents were my adversaries. By asking me to be home by midnight and prepare for college, I thought they were trying to ruin my life. When they confronted me for hanging out with questionable friends, I feared they wanted to wreck my social life.

To me, eternity hung in the balance during those heated conversations about whether or not I was grounded for disrespecting my mom. What if I missed out on something with my friends? After all, my life could fall apart if I had to hang out with my family on a Friday.

Toward the end of my junior year of high school, I became interested in planning for college. Getting away from my little West Michigan hometown could be the cure to all my ailments. Plus, I was interested in learning. It was the best possible step for me to take; finally, I could escape my small-minded parents!

As I set out for college, I packed up my things. When I took the time to reflect, each contained memories. My desktop computer originally belonged to my older brother, and my mom had purchased me a new flatscreen monitor at Staples. My Redline BMX bike came from a garage sale where again my mother had taken mercy on my 13-year-old soul and paid the full $75 for it. My clothes came mostly from sales at the tiny JC Penney in Big Rapids, where my mom helped me find the stuff I needed to look presentable.

Arriving at Spring Arbor University, just a half hour south of Michigan’s capital, Lansing, my family helped me unload my memories into a tiny fourth-floor dorm room. After everything was [sort of] in its place, we gathered with many other families on the commons lawn and listened to what were likely meaningful words. I was not listening, really. I was making plans for my new life at college.

Soon, we were engaging in a ceremony. All the families formed a giant circle on the commons lawn, and the Spring Arbor professors and student leaders stretched out a long blue ribbon around the group. We all held on to a little piece of it. It was supposed to represent the connections had fostered between each of us new students and our families. After a small speech and a prayer, they cut the ribbon into a thousand small pieces. One by one, we were cut away from our families. Tears flowed. I was more excited than sad, but my then girlfriend, who was going to a different college, felt differently. So did my parents and brothers.

Each of us, with our piece of ribbon, parted ways with our respective families. A few quick hugs and whispered words, and they headed to their cars and drove away. We stayed there, making our way to the small groups of other freshman students they had established for us.

My college years had begun.

Long after the high school angst, some of my feelings of resentment toward my parents sat hidden within me. I enjoyed my new freedom at Spring Arbor, a place I was freed to be myself and establish my own new routines. After most of my first semester was over, my parents picked me up at Thanksgiving and we drove the three hours back up to Big Rapids. As we skittered across 196 heading West on snowy roads, my mind wandered back to my years growing up with them, then back forward to my new life as an independent college student. That got me to thinking: was I really independent? I got some scholarships, sure, but my parents still footed a pretty big chunk of each tuition bill. Those thoughts tortured me for much of Thanksgiving break.

Soon, I was driving back to Spring Arbor, safe behind the air-bagged wheel of my 1997 Jetta. I had found the car on eBay, and though my dad advised a Saturn, I wanted the VW. Cashier’s check in hand, he took a train to Philadelphia, PA to buy the car sight unseen, then drove it 16 hours back to Big Rapids. Did I mention he bought it for me?

As I drove, I carried new memories with me. Over break, I discovered that my parents are actually on my side. God, in his grace, helped me see them in a new way. Instead of adversaries, they were my biggest advocates. Instead of enemies, they were both cheerleaders and coaches. God appointed them to my personal board of directors. They saw me for who I really am, and understood my weaknesses. They also knew where I excel. And they were willing to tell me the difference between these two.

My life changed when I recognized that, miraculously, my parents had transformed into amazing people. Of course, the transformation was something God did in my perception. They loved me all along; I just needed to see it.